Ask the Editor is a column for your questions about the editing process and editors themselves. It also features first-page critiques. Want to be considered? Submit your question or submit your pages.
This month’s Ask the Editor is sponsored by The Writing Consultancy. Stuck on revisions? Work with an expert editor to revise and submit your fiction or memoir. Get started here >> Submit your manuscript to schedule your free 20-minute call with award-winning author and editor, Britta Jensen.
Question
My manuscript has been edited by two top editors on the east and west coasts. Yet, it has been declined by more than 250 fiction agents who merely decline by form letter. I have no idea what could be wrong. I have a great story, but maybe for the wrong time. I am not a BIPOC author and my characters are not BIPOC, which seems to be a lot of what agents are looking for.
—Rejected and Dejected in Miami
[Editor’s note: We asked this writer for their query and first pages so we could best assess the situation rather than guessing. The following answer is based on a review of those materials.]
Dear Dejected,
There are three reasons your book is getting rejected:
- The query isn’t selling the book or your professionalism.
- The book feels dated (despite the argument in the query that it’s in tune with current events).
- In the first 25 pages, as the story flickers to life, it’s drowned in an ocean of backstory.
Let’s talk about the query first. An author’s query must establish three things: this story is compelling, this author understands the conventions of publishing, and the book has a market.
The query’s description of the plot and themes make the book sound like a downer, and it’s unclear where any hope, triumph or change appears. What’s the lead character’s choice? Where does she take an action that transforms her world?
Most queries are 250–350 words, with some narrative nonfiction stretching to 450–500 words. This query is 750 words. No matter how well-written it is, sending a 750-word query announces, “I don’t know much about how publishing works.” Plus the query is missing some key elements—the book’s word count and genre (women’s fiction).
Half of the 750 words are themes, comps, social issues and cultural movements more suited to self-help or narrative nonfiction than women’s fiction. It’s great to offer quality comps, though. Comparative/competitive titles show agents that readers are buying books like yours—but their purpose is to show current buying patterns. Of the seven books, three documentaries, two news organizations and three celebrities mentioned in the query, only three of those media qualify as “current” (within the last few years) and only one of those is a book. For a novel, list two or three comps, books or TV/movies, that are fiction.
Authors should also watch out for reviewing their own book. Assertions like “readers will sympathize” and “an emotionally gripping tale” ring false in queries. Let the agent discover those characteristics when they read the manuscript pages.
Now let’s address the current events angle. In addition to some other arguments that the book is relevant today, the query says, “In 1979, parental kidnapping was not widely considered a crime. Despite 40 years of new national and international laws, it remains a persistent problem today.” The book is set in 1979, and while feminism, parental custody battles leading to kidnapping, and mental illness in children are very much modern topics, we think differently about them today. Issues that seemed insurmountable to the most conservative couples in 1979 (but who will cook the dinner if Mom works?) are no longer the main focus. Mental illness is diagnosed and treated very differently, and there’s a much greater awareness of mental health in children.
Without a compelling reason to look at these issues in 1979, it feels like we won’t learn anything new. Most of the problems faced by Lena, the main character, would be handled very differently now. Unless the book is truly a deep dive into the 1970s/early 1980s (like Daisy Jones & the Six), readers will have a hard time understanding why the story is relevant now.
The backstory trap: In the first 6,500 words of the book, there are 450 words of story—when Lena’s husband calls a neighbor to say he’s taken the children in violation of a custody order. Before that, we get quite a few pages of motherly adoration of children, descriptions of children, descriptions of mom’s activities. After that small burst of story (which has a nice chunk of tension and stakes!), we get a full chapter of Lena’s parents’ personal history. Then a full chapter of Dad’s parents. Then a full chapter of the couple meeting and falling in love.
Writers often do this work of uncovering the characters and their pasts, and that work feels a lot like writing a book. But this level of backstory is the preliminary discovery phase, like the documents an attorney requests before putting together a passionate opening argument. Based on the pages I’ve read, it’s likely that the story doesn’t actually start for another 25 pages, and you might consider pulling out that 450 words of story to open the book, then cutting everything else until Lena takes an action towards getting her kids back. (And why have him call a neighbor? Why not have Lena be the target right away?)
Here’s the bottom line
Due to the long query and slow pages, the book is being rejected even before agents engage with the writing. And there are a couple of intriguing details—Lena sleeps on the sofa while the kids get the bedroom, and there’s a lot of potential in a Not Without My Daughter-style story set among Americans.
But overall, the writing needs work. There’s a lot of telling and explaining, instead of bringing the reader into the scene with the characters. Lena is described as “sly,” shown as calculating, and her inner monologue is anti-feminist in a way that’s off-putting to current readers, so it’s hard to want to spend time with her.
The Mexican parents are introduced stereotypically, and if an agent makes it that far, that’s the nail in the coffin. They won’t make it to the discussion of Henry’s ethnic and racial slurs, which seem irrelevant to the plot thus far.
I hesitate to criticize your previous editors. I don’t know what you (and they) started with when you began the process, and moving from a journalism background to a novel is challenging. As an editor myself, sometimes I work on a book for long enough that I’ve lost the big picture. Recently, a client made a big change in her book, in consultation with a new reader I’d recommended, and I felt like an idiot for not noticing that change had been needed the whole time. I’ve also watched a client work on a book for a long time that I knew wouldn’t sell, but I also knew they needed to finish and discover that for themselves.
This is probably not your debut novel. This manuscript is either source material for a new story, not just heavily revised but completely re-envisioned—or it’s a practice book.
Don’t shop this to small presses. Don’t self-publish. The same elements in the query, story and writing that aren’t attracting agents will also not attract readers.
Instead, consider what you love about this story, and why you feel compelled to write it. What matters to you about this heroine? The query focuses on the larger cultural context and mentally ill toddlers; the book opens with the daily minutia of her motherhood. What does Lena want? What choices does she face? How must her life goals change, and how must she change along the way? Most importantly, what’s powerful in her hopes and wishes, fears and dreams, that causes her to take action, to change, and to change the reader with her?
The process of finishing a book is a victory in itself. I have a memoir I’ll never go back to, and a novel that may not see the light of day. But writing our “practice” books teaches us not only how to write a book, but that we can. You can write a book. You did. And the world is waiting for what you write next.
Addendum from Jane: For those reading the comments, you’ll see some seek a direct response to the writer mentioning she’s not BIPOC—but she sees agents and publishers actively seeking BIPOC work or BIPOC characters. The implication is she’s getting rejected because she’s white or because her characters are white. Given the challenges that Allison has described, that is obviously not the case. Allison shared on Twitter, “It’s hard to understand why our queries get form rejects. ‘Because I’m white’ isn’t even in the top 100 reasons. Celebrate publishing’s (still too slowly) growing diversity. Buy books by BIPOC, analyze what made them strong enough to publish, learn and grow.”
“Rejected and Dejected” is one of countless writers I’ve heard ask a similar question, although it is usually phrased in a different way. Oftentimes people are afraid to express this at all, or will only whisper it in private. So we hope this post shows that a writer’s best strategy, always, is to pay attention to their craft.
This month’s Ask the Editor is sponsored by The Writing Consultancy. Stuck on revisions? Work with an expert editor to revise and submit your fiction or memoir. Get started here >> Submit your manuscript to schedule your free 20-minute call with award-winning author and editor, Britta Jensen.
Allison K Williams has edited and coached writers to publication with many of the best-known outlets in media. As a memoirist, essayist, and travel journalist, Allison has written craft, culture and comedy for National Public Radio, CBC-Canada, the New York Times, and many more. She leads the Rebirth Your Book writing retreats series and, as Social Media Editor for Brevity, she inspires thousands of writers with weekly blogs on craft and the writing life. Allison holds an MFA in Creative Writing from Western Michigan University and spent 20 years as a circus aerialist and acrobat before writing and editing full-time. Her latest book is Seven Drafts: Self-Edit Like a Pro From Blank Page to Book (Woodhall Press, 2021). Learn more at her website.
Thanks, Allison, for this post. I am wondering about the word count on the query. I have been teaching writers for years about keeping it short and concise. Yet, I’ve been listening to a lot of podcast episodes on the Manuscript Academy show, where they go over many queries with top literary agents. These queries feel like pages long. They go on and on with nearly full synopses. And all these agents praise the detail and length of the description of the plot. What’s with that? I was figuring maybe times have changed and agents want robust queries with so much detail they don’t need to look at a synopsis.
I critique more than 200 manuscripts a year, and I can easily say nearly all of them are sorely lacking a deep understanding of novel and scene structure. Most writers do not understand how their opening pages need to set up the premise, characters, and plot quickly and establish character mind-set and motivation in an active, riveting way that gets readers to care and involved in the story and stakes.
The #1 bit of advice I’d give to writers who are querying and not getting nibbles on their project would be to hire a writing coach or developmental editor that can help assess what is missing or weak in their writing and story premise.
I haven’t listened to the podcast, but I’m familiar with Manuscript Academy. Are you able to reference any written articles from these agents (or from the site or podcast) that refer to query length and structure?
I have the same impression when listening to the Manuscript Academy reading of query letters, thinking that they’re often too long, and are often synopsis rather than queries. I think a lot of writers don’t quite understand the difference between the two.
Hi C. S. – are they genuinely ONLY reading the query, or are they dipping into the query package, with the actual synopsis and the first pages? I’d be curious to see some written down! I listen to The Sh*t No-One Tells You About Writing, and that podcast gets into the whole package.
I agree about hiring a pro – and usually a writer doesn’t even need to spend big on having the whole manuscript looked at. Whatever is wrong in the first 25 pages is problematic in the rest of the book, too. I’d also add, take a playwriting class if the writer possibly can – the focus on dramatic structure, character motivation, scene and dialogue is so much stronger in playwriting training than in fiction or memoir writing classes.
Eye Opening! Thank you, Allison, for taking the time to write this article. I am in the revisions following my 4th edit and have found the suggested edits to be similar to those you have described. The first version of my book opened with only a drop of story buried beneath pages of what I had thought to be interesting backstory. It’s nice to know I am not alone. I plan to self-publish and am working toward having a quality book equal to any seeking a traditional publisher. With your article, I feel I am on the right track.
Glad to hear it! And it’s a very natural thing for writers to tell themselves the story in earlier drafts, and then needing to trim back to only what the reader needs. Happy writing!
This is an insightful and thorough review of this writer’s query materials. Your write-up reveals several fundamental shortcomings with the work. Because of this, I wish you’d also addressed the part where the writer attempted to blame their lack of success on not being a BIPOC writer. It’s a pernicious myth among many white writers that the much-needed push to diversify the publishing landscape (which by all metrics still has extremely far to go) is robbing them of opportunities. It’s a level of unjustified entitlement that essentially equates all BIPOC writers with “diversity hires” that should be challenged wherever it appears.
I so agree, Janna – as if BIPOC writers are being published just because they are BIPOC or have BIPOC stories, and not because they have beautifully written, compelling stories.
Thanks for pointing this out, Janna, you’re right. I also want to add that, of course we have systemic racism and unconscious bias even in the white people trying hard, but there’s also a sense of “what hoop am I not jumping through this time, I’m desperate for a reason I can wrap my head around and not feel crappy for not meeting.” Often, writers, especially those newer in their careers, identify what they think is a trend–no more vampire stories, I need 1M TikTok followers, I’m not a celebrity, I don’t know anyone in the business–because it’s easier to believe it’s a “rule” they can’t possibly follow than to identify, dig into, and fix issues with writing and story.
Hmmm, I don’t read any blame or entitlement into her statement. I also observe that literary agents and publishers are emphasizing titles by people of color, as well as LGBTQ authors. I support that movement and am grateful that historic inequities are being addressed, as well as grateful for all the great books that I might not see if it weren’t for this diversity push. And at the same time, I think it may be making it harder for me (an old white male) to get attention for my book (mostly about white males). I can hold the two thoughts at one time.
One of my favorite authors, Harlan Coben, is a white male whose protagonists are white straight males. I recently gobbled up five of his books in a row. In truth, most writers and readers are women (I went to a book conference, and a majority identified as LGBTQ). I think that it’s simply a numbers game. With fewer men writing, there are fewer books that meet the traditional publishing criteria.
Excellent post – but I kept waiting for the BIPOC issue to be addressed. The writer raised it, so I think it would be not only appropriate but necessary for Allison to tell the writer not to blame their lack of success on diversity initiatives. These stereotypes and misconceptions are very harmful and need to be challenged.
Hi Jeannie: You beat me to the punch here. The post has been updated.
I commend you, Allison and Jane, for telling the blunt truth. Even though we weren’t able to see the original material she sent, you’ve given us a feel for what is turning off the agents. Most agents will not even read pages unless the query is professional, complete, and succinct. Every blog post on this subject says the same thing – follow the instructions, give them word count, genre, and comps, keep it short, don’t make false claims, and make sure the meat of the query concentrates on goals, stakes, motivation, conflict, and character. This writer has a long way to go before she’s ready to query and at 250 rejections, she’s pretty much used up the viable agencies out there.
We all need a practice book 🙂
As insightful as this query critique was I can’t help but notice the entitlement and the assumption that their failure at gaining the attention of an agent is due to the existence of BIPOC people who make up a little over 5 percent of the publishing industry.
Of course there was no reflection, no “point out the weak areas of my query letter and the lack of a punchline to peak interest. It must be soley the fault of Black/Brown people.
Fantastic, candid assessment of this author’s plight. Without this broader perspective, it’s easy to blame publishing or something else (including hired editors) for lack of traction. Thanks Alison for this generous assessment and Jane for creating the forum and adding your two cents. Great idea for a column.
Thanks for following up to address the diversity myth, Jane. As other commenters have said, it must be actively debunked. Perhaps Allison felt the assessment of the materials spoke for themselves, and they do provide a stark rebuttal!
Allison says, “I hesitate to criticize your previous editors.” But I can! If the editors knew the writer intended to query these materials in this state they had an obligation to say that the materials weren’t ready. Call it your professional assessment based on experience, and back it up with links to standard practices. It would behoove freelance editors to keep prepared lists of further resources for such clients so that they can continue learning without paying editorial rates. If the client doesn’t follow the advice that’s on them.
It’s entirely possible that the editors did not know what the intended next step was. I would also like to know what sort of editing they were hired to do, because a proofread is not a dev edit. But then we come to thornier issues: is a freelance editor ethically obligated to turn away proofreading work when the manuscript still needs developmental or line edits? I’m loathe to tell anyone they can’t eat this week for ethics. And yet I do think an ethical option would be to at least suggest dev work, perhaps by offering to put the proofreading fee towards a dev assessment instead (and promise to make room in schedule for proofread when it’s been revised). Client can opt to ignore developmental advice at any stage, but at least it’s on the table. “After reviewing the manuscript I feel that to make the best impression on readers/agents you should consider a dev edit/assessment. I can provide (option), or we can proceed with the package you’ve paid for. If you would rather postpone the package until after you’re satisfied with independent revisions please know that my scheduling terms are XYZ but I will do my best to prioritize you.”
I would really like to see ethical standards adopted across freelance editorial services. It’s also very possible that this writer paid for editorial services that were inadequate or in bad faith. Finding an editor largely comes down to word of mouth, portfolios that can be difficult to verify (as trad pub doesn’t routinely list the editors in each book), and cost. Someone who isn’t aware that their query is way too long is also unlikely to know what red flags to look for. As ever, publishing has a transparency problem.
One day I hope writers realize that their material is getting declined, not because they are not (insert whatever demographic you like) it’s because the query or material is poorly written. Most agencies give out form letters. Not personal and not a big deal. Just a few years ago BIPOC writers were saying, “I’m getting rejection emails because I’m this/or not this (insert whatever) now it’s your turn. Just wait, soon chairs will be saying, “I can’t get an agent because I’m not a table.” Learn to write and stop blaming other people for your lack of talent or skill or devotion to your craft.
I love Alison’s remark about writing “practice books”. When I wrote a novel I couldn’t bear to think it was such a thing, and it wouldn’t get published, but a few years down the track, I can see clearly that it was just that – “a practice novel” that won’t see the light of day but taught me a great deal about writing a book.